Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Failure. As per the usual.

I try so hard to make everyone happy and try to make things work out successfully. I put so much effort into it. So why is it that all I ever feel is how it wasn't good enough and that all anyone sees are the things that didn't go right and that they feel the need to constantly announce how they'd have done it better. Nothing I do will ever be good enough will it? No amount of effort will ever be sufficient will it? Why do I even try? Why?

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

For the sake of my Bee.

I’m not the perfect Mom.  I will never claim to be.  I will claim that I love my children more than anything and I try to always do what I feel is in their best interests.  There are SEVERAL reasons why I feel that it’s better that I have primary physical custody of Brianna than for her father to have it.  Those reasons include but are not limited to the following:  I feel that as parents, it’s our responsibility to make sure that we give our children the tools to be able to succeed and make it on their own in the world when they grow up and rely on their own selves to get where they want to go.  Because of this belief, I try to teach my children love, kindness, and acceptance instead of hate, forgiveness instead of holding a grudge and judging people, honesty, responsibility, accountability, self respect, respect for others, logic, the importance of education, self-discipline, etc.  

With my daughter, I’m in a position where I not only have to do what I think is best for her, but at the same time, I have to also communicate with her father and keep him relatively happy since he’s a major asshole and likes to fight with me which is not good for her at all.

I’m the kind of person who looks at the big picture and when making a decision, I try to look at how the decision will affect everyone else.  I have quite a few people in this home that I am in charge of.  I have been tasked with making sure that they have what they need.  That includes life lessons.  I took on that responsibility when I became a mother.  Sometimes, a decision has to be made that might not have the result that EVERYONE likes, but it’s what happened to be necessary at the time for the big picture.  When something like this happens and Bee’s father finds out about it and doesn’t agree with the decision I made (because she’s his ONLY priority, I have more than one) he starts a fight.  He then tells her that I’m the one always starting fights with him and she believes it.  When she’s not getting her way here, she tells me how she wants to go live with him because she likes it better with him.  He caters to her every whim, gives her whatever she wants and also teaches her and reinforces with her that lying is acceptable and that all she has to do is poke him with a stick to stir up some drama and he’ll fly off the handle and jump.  I don’t fall for this when she tries it with me.  She doesn’t like this.

It’s NOT a good situation for her when he and I are not getting along.  I try to get along with him, I try to make extra compromises with him just for the sake of peace and if he’s not feeling like being reasonable, he fights with me and tells her all about how unreasonable I am and how he cares about her more than I do and then she clings to him thinking it’s true.  She’s conflicted because she loves both of us but it causes her a lot of distress when she sees the tension.  I try to do things to make it easier on her but he won’t go along with anything I suggest even if it’s what’s best for her.  Ever.  Why?  Because I suggested it.  Yes, really.

Now, this gives me quite the dilemma.

When does ‘doing the right thing for her growth as a person’ become no longer in her best interests right now?  When does the current drama trump her future?

Do I just let her go to him and give him custody despite the fact that he’s a bad influence, a bad example and teaches her dishonesty and hate if it will make her less stressed now?  Even though it’s letting him and his tempter tantrum win, it’s not about which one of us “wins”, it’s about her and her well being.  Conversely, I’m not teaching her that temper tantrums won’t accomplish anything if I let him throw one and get his way.  I wouldn’t be setting a very good example.  But is that lesson worth what it’s costing now?  It’s straining her happiness right now and our relationship right now, but at the same time, in the future, when she’s much older, she will hopefully appreciate the fact that I stuck it out and fought for what I felt was best for her.  And hopefully she’ll realize that I did it because I love her so much.

Do you see my dilemma?




Monday, October 29, 2012

The way I see it

I know a lot of people who say, “I don’t get into political discussions.”  Or, “I don’t discuss politics with people.”  For the most part, I get that.  A lot of the time, it turns into an argument and doesn’t end well.  We don’t want to really have that kind of interaction with our friends so we avoid the frustration.  Most of the time, I will refrain from having them as well, depending on who it is.  Sometimes, there’s really no sense in talking to a certain person that you don’t see eye to eye on if you know that they’re just going to turn into a raging asshole as soon as you disagree with them.

I’m not the type of person who relies on the opinions of others to make my own decisions.  I’m the type of person who observes and draws my own conclusions based on what I see.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t listen to what people say about certain subjects.  It means that I listen and do my own thinking and investigating and draw my own conclusions based on what I find.  Sometimes, someone else will bring up a point I hadn’t thought of and sometimes, after some thought, I may decide to change my mind about something.  I appreciate when someone takes the time to discuss things in the interest of making sure people are properly informed and aware.

Voting for the President of the United States of America is a BIG DEAL.  The President doesn’t control everything on their own, but they do have a hell of a lot of influence on a lot that happens in this whole world.  On that basis alone, I feel that discussing the candidates and the issues surrounding the election is necessary.  I’m not trying to say that everyone should agree with what I have to say.  I’m going to share what I’ve seen and how I feel about it and if it causes even ONE of you to think about this decision, then I will feel that I’ve made the right choice in putting this out there.

First of all, if you’re throwing out insults and lies trying to convince people that the person you’re voting for is the right choice, you’re doing it wrong.  You shouldn’t have to make things up to prove your point.

Secondly, if you post something – whatever it may be – and someone makes you aware of the fact that what you posted is inaccurate, the correct thing to do would be to research it and either post your findings, proving your point ~ OR ~ admit you were wrong and delete it.  The correct response is NOT to ignore it and leave it there, ignoring the logic and truth behind it, content with the fact that you’re misinforming people.  The correct response is also NOT to change the subject and ignore the facts, (ie: deflection) and continue throwing out other insults. That is not the way to win an argument intelligently.

I’m sorry, but if those are the kinds of people that are going to end up winning elections, I’m very afraid of where this country is headed.

No matter which candidate you stand behind based on your views: be intelligent, be informed, and if you want to promote one of them, do it with the facts, not made-up bullshit. 

Now on to my opinion:

To all those people who are voting for Romney because they don’t like Obama or because the economy isn’t perfect yet:

You can’t just look at where things are and judge it as it stands alone when we’re talking about where things are headed.  You have to look at what happened up until that point.  That will tell you the direction it’s headed… and that is important.

No, the economy isn’t where we want it.  No, the economy isn’t where Obama wanted it either.  Look at the facts:  When he took office, things were at a steady pace downward and had been for a while.  When something is falling, and fast, it takes a lot of work to stop the momentum and steady it out.  Obama has done that.  The lowest the figures got is not the same as where it was when he took office.  It got much lower than that… and things are now rising from that number.  You want a fair representation of what he’s accomplished?  Don’t look at the difference between when he was elected and now, look at the difference between the lowest it got and now.  You can say the economy isn’t getting better all you want.  I’ve seen the statistics, I’ve looked at fact checkers, AND… my father lost his job with the company he’d been with for over 30 years because they almost had to close their doors.  They didn’t close their doors and he got his job back.  I haven’t had a job since I got laid off in 2006.  I’m working now.  Also, my mom started her own company.  I.  HAVE.  SEEN.  IT. 

The economy isn’t the only thing that he’s responsible for.  He’s got a LOT of things to be responsible for.  Before you say, “well if he couldn’t handle it, he shouldn’t have taken the job.”, you need to understand that he’s not complaining that fact.  I’m saying that everyone else in this country needs to stop being so damned impatient and let him handle all of it.  It reminds me a lot of when Brianna’s dad is giving me crap about not being able to spend every waking second focusing ONLY on Brianna and what she WANTS and nothing else… completely ignoring the fact that Cody is my responsibility, too.  I also have a husband and pets that are part of my responsibility.  I’m not complaining about having all that responsibility, however it should not be considered “Brianna neglect” if I must focus on her AND Cody AND the rest of the family.  Sometimes, she may have to wait if Cody needs my attention, sometimes I’m doing things that will benefit both of them or the whole family.  There’s NOTHING WRONG with the fact that I have more that one thing to maintain.  Would she like it better if she was the center of my attention?  Probably.  Would that be a better situation for her than having a brother to grow up with, pets to care about and play with, a nice bed to sleep in, a mom who is in a happy marriage, and the knowledge that her mom is willing to do what’s necessary for EVERYONE she loves?  I don’t personally think so.

Romney is threatening our rights as women.  Rights that have been fought for and earned.  Romney is threatening our public education.  Education that helps a LOT of kids in this country who don’t have the same opportunities as other kids and maybe don’t have parents who care about them a whole lot.  Romney is trying to make sure that the really rich stay really rich and don’t bear any of the responsibility of rebuilding this country when they have the means to do so.

Romney can’t seem to make a decision about how he feels about something and stick to it.  It’s one thing if you change your mind about something, with good reason.  He seems to just say whatever it is he thinks the people he’s talking to wants to hear.  This does not make me very confident that when it comes down to it, he’s going to know what needs to be done or how to do it.

Obama went out and talked to the leaders of other countries.  Whether he apologized to them or not is NOT the point.  (Is it so WRONG to apologize when it’s warranted?)  He has talked with these very important people and they don’t hate us anymore like they used to.  Romney wants to go in and talk shit to all of them.  And that’s supposed to keep them liking us?  Um. No.  That’s going to make them all want to kill us… not just Iran.  Obama has said that despite the picture that Romney is trying to paint, Obama is not ignoring the Iran/Nuclear weapons issue.  Do you all really think it’s a good idea for Obama to go on TV and tell his plan so Iran can see it?  REALLY?  (This is why superheroes aren’t supposed to ‘monologue’.  Duh.  Didn’t you watch ‘The Incredibles’?)  Don’t you think that if the whole world is behind us, Iran MIGHT think twice about actually doing anything with a nuclear weapon?  Honestly?

Don’t even get me started on Obamacare.  It stops doctors from overcharging people and the parts of it that are in effect now enabled me to get services that my policy didn’t cover before.  If that means that certain doctors aren’t available under certain insurance plans anymore because they can no longer overcharge their patients, then fine.  I don’t want their greedy asses treating me anyways.  I want a doctor who wants to take care of people first.

Romney thinks it’s unfair for the really rich to pay a little more to help rebuild the economy.  Romney supporters say it’s unfair for the really rich to have to suffer and pay more.  REALLY?  If they don’t think it’s worth chipping in a little more when they have it to chip in, then they’re part of what’s wrong with this country.  How selfish can you be?

People keep talking about where Obama has failed.  So they’re going to vote for someone like this just to keep Obama out and for no other reason, and throw around lies and insults to try and convince everyone else that it’s a good idea?  And they think this is an intelligent decision?  Really?  What the hell is wrong with you people?

I don’t like being broke either, but I’d MUCH rather be unwealthy and not have to worry so much about whether or not the rest of the planet hates us and wants to kill us because our president is an idiot.  I’d also much rather be unwealthy and be able to go to the doctor and not be charged an arm and a leg.  Fact is, things ARE getting better… FINALLY.  Let’s keep that going, shall we?

*takes a breath*

Again, if you have your own reasons for supporting Romney, that’s your business and that’s your right.  I just want you to make sure that you look up the facts so you know what you’re really signing up for before you check that ballot and that you’re not voting for him based solely on the stupid crap that’s been circulating Facebook.  Think about what’s really important to you.  Think about EVERYTHING that is at stake.  


And for Pete’s sake, PLEASE stop throwing insults and lies around trying to convince the rest of us that we’re wrong.  It just makes you look like a damn idiot and it makes me question whether or not I wish to continue to be friends with someone who’s so ignorant and stupid.

Just saying.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Has Anyone Seen This?


I saw it on the list on Netflix on the Apple TV and looked it up on imdb. It had 2 out of 5 stars on Netflix and 5.9 out of 10 on imdb. Then I saw the word "sadomasochist" in the description and realized most of the bad reviews must be from vanillas.

Just wondering if anyone I know has seen it.

I haven't watched yet but because of the following review, it's in my instant queue.

****WARNING!!!!! The ending is totally given away in this review. ****

Extreme.... happiness
9/10 | sam-519 | 8 Dec 2010
Judging by the reviews here, there seems to be a lot of animosity, a lot of grief and lot of misunderstanding about this film.
Leap Year, is by it's very nature, exactly that. It's a film about a desperately sad and lonely woman who, through her own sex drive, ends up making a massive jump forward in her life. Emotionally and temporally. It is a film for everyone who has felt the extremities of sexual pleasure and pain, the extremities of desperation, the extremities of loneliness and the extremities of depression.
Laura is a lonely woman with a job as a writer. She spends her time alone doing journalism and fantasising about personal relationships. Compulsively lying to her family to show herself as more interesting than she thinks she is. Needing positive emotional intensity. She lives emotionally vicariously off the young couple opposite her flat - she masturbates while watching them doing everyday tasks, feeding off the closeness they have but that she has never experienced. Closeness and understanding turn her on, they fuel her. She goes out most evenings and pulls random men back to her flat, sleeping with them but gaining nothing. They all leave in the morning with barely a word. She has no idea how to snare men any other way than through sex. To her, sex is the portal to emotional fulfillment. Here is her main failing.
She ends up meeting Arturo who has quite advanced sexual tastes. He likes spanking, he likes asphyxiation, he likes knife play and urolagnia. Because she is desperate to be close to him and because he shows a constant interest in her, she goes along with everything. And here is an important point. She does not go along with him because she is forced to but because she finds she enjoys it. There is no point in the film where she is forced to do anything beyond her will. Every time he buzzes her flat she knows what's coming. She runs to the window, throws the keys out, undresses and waits. The intensity, the vibe between them, the emotional extremity turns her on so much and gives her the emotional closeness she always fantasised about that she wants more. When Arturo urinates on her, and asks her afterwards what it was like, she smiles and says "it was warm". It felt good to her because it was personal, because it was private, taboo, shunned by many, but something explicit to them (a point clearly understood by the BBFC who did not cut this scene even though they are normally outspoken again urinating on women in pornography).
This brings me to the next point - this is not porn. Laura is a plain girl. She is not a porn actress or model. She is plump, she is normal, she is a lonely girl going through depressive motions desperately looking for understanding. This film is not meant to titillate, which is the point of pornography. It is not meant for the viewer. It is about Laura. It is her film. It is a snapshot of her existence. Nothing is glossy or embellished. The flat, her, her sex life, her job. Everything is matte, plain and wanting.
The film's pièce de résistance is the final scene. Laura has been marking days off her calendar to her decided day of suicide, 29th February, the same day her father died. Arturo asks her "what kind of person dies on February 29th?" to which she answers "those that have to". She is convinced she cannot - will not - live beyond this day. She marks it in a big red block on her calendar. A stop, an end point, unseeable beyond. She agrees with Arturo on the ultimate close sexual high - she will be killed by him during sex that night when she outlines to him in a highly erotic scene exactly what she wants him to do to her while she masturbates him. When the evening comes and her brother invades her space because he has broken up with his boyfriend, she wakes up the next day alive and in the same white dress as the night before. She looks at the calendar, realising February has ended, and turns over to March. A new month. A month she thought she'd never see. Each day blank and for her to fill with what she chooses. She is in control once again - maybe more than ever.
If you've ever been depressed, felt extreme loneliness or understand the highs and lows of sexual experimentation and intensity, this is a film for you. It ticks so many boxes so beautifully..... but for everyone else it will likely just seem exploitative. It is far more than that indeed: a very beautiful, dark and emotive piece of film-making.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

BDSM without the risk...

Just some thoughts I've been meaning to scribble down... I may add to this later.

I was doing some research for the collaring ceremony and I ran across several blogs written by several different people in the lifestyle, out of the lifestyle, and people who THOUGHT they were in the lifestyle.

One in particular was a blog where this woman was talking about the benefits of engaging in BDSM on Second Life.  She talked about how it was a way to play out your fantasies without any of the risk... She talked about a collaring ceremony that she had on SL, and talked about how meaningful and sentimental it was.

On another occasion, I was talking to someone who was talking about a swinger's club he'd been to.  He said that at one point this one guy came in with a suitcase on wheels and went into a special room and started taking out all kinds of toys and he (the one I was talking to) was thinking, "wow, some people take this hobby pretty far."


Um.  Really?  Some people have no fucking idea.

I ended up telling my friend that for a lot of people, this isn't a "hobby".  This is a way of life.  This is who they ARE.

To tie the two together, (see what I did there? lol) here's the thing... Having been in the lifestyle FOR REALS and not just online, "pretending" to engage in BDSM in a place like Second Life is laughable to me.  I think, "what the hell is the point?"  She says, "you can experience the thrill of bondage and restriction and flogging and whipping without any of the physical risk and without having marks left on you."  Um... she's missing the point of why most people do those things... It's just fantasy and porn for these people... I'm insulted that they're calling it BDSM and D/s.

For me, BDSM and D/s go so much deeper than just play... It's about opening yourself up to someone, trusting yourself enough to trust someone else, forming a connection and a bond with another person or persons that is unlike any other connection out there.  It's about respect and fun and understanding and acceptance and processing; expanding your limits, learning what you're capable of accomplishing, bettering yourself.  I'm sorry, but I cannot experience all of that at this level in an online role playing game.  I just can't.

For those people who have never been exposed to the real thing, I can see how it would be very intimidating.  But she made it sound like BDSM on SL was like the "end-all be-all" and that it was superior to the real thing.

It's similar to when I hear people saying, "you know, THOSE kinds of people... those SADOMASOCHISTS" as if members of this community are putrid garbage or something.


Some people just need a high five.

In the face.

With a flogger.

Just saying.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Um. No.

I resent the fact that Romney insinuated that Single Moms are the reason that Americans are fucked up.  Sure, being a single mom is a struggle and GOD knows, I struggled with it for a LONG time.  I struggle with being a mother even now.  I'm not perfect.  My kids aren't perfect.  But you know what, Mitt?  Some of us single moms are doing the best we can.  Some of us single moms were better off being single moms than being with the son of a bitch who was abusing us, treating us like we didn't matter, showing our sons that it's acceptable to disrespect other people, to disrespect women and treat them as inferior... You know, kind of like you seem to be doing...

Some single moms didn't have a choice when they became a single mom.  Some single moms lost their husbands to the wars you keep wanting to jump into; projecting your dick-waving into situations that are someone else's responsibility.  Just to be clear, I am very grateful for every single person who decided that they were willing to write out a blank check for their life in order to protect my freedom that I cherish every day.  

Some single moms chose to do what was best for their children's future; even if that meant that they would live in a single parent household.  Some single moms chose to struggle to give their kids as much as possible as an alternative to staying with a man that was going to abuse them and/or the children.

Are there single moms out there who became mothers because they were careless and irresponsible?  Yes.  Are there single moms out there who don't take their responsibilities seriously?  Yes.  The same can be said for ANYONE.  There are dads out there who go around and convince women of things that aren't true; "I love you baby... I won't leave..." and then the little blue line comes up on the pregnancy test and they're outta there...  There are dads out there who leave and don't pay their child support... causing a lot of those moms to struggle even more.  There are dads out there who don't give a shit about their kids.

There are 2 parent households out there that are just as dysfunctional... and sometimes MORE dysfunctional than some of the single parent households.

All of that being said... as frustrated as I get with my struggle as a parent, NOBODY is able to keep my kids controlling themselves better than I can.  They go out into this fucked up world of inconsistency and they find people who don't mean what they say, people who talk shit on others just to get ahead... and because we don't operate that way in THIS house, it's foreign to them.  Sometimes, I almost feel like I'm doing them a disservice by teaching them what I believe are the right lessons in life.  

To be honest.
To be consistent.
To be accepting and open minded.
To be forgiving.
To be loving.
To stand up for what they feel is the right thing.
To know what they're talking about before they open their mouths.
To take responsibility for their own decisions and actions.

They see all of this at home, but they don't in most other places.  

Both of my kids watched the debate with us tonight.  Both of them saw how Mitt continues to talk a bunch of shit on Obama without having his facts straight and saying he's the man for the job without giving us the reasons why he's the better choice.  Mitt, what kind of example are YOU setting for my children?  The example I see you setting for my children is that instead of trying to make things better, in order to get ahead, you should cut down others and make them look inferior so that people will think you're superior by default.

Unfortunately, Mitt, our house doesn't work that way.  We rely on facts and logic and sense in this house.  My only hope is that there are more households like that out there than I fear there are.

We need to be smart.  We need to think of what kind of world we want our kids to live in... not about whether or not things are perfect.  When things are bad, we need a clear, sensible solution.  Not unsubstantiated promises and finger pointing.  If you're gonna point a finger, make sure you're right before you point it.  Just saying.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The Pressure Is On...

So, Kitty's collaring ceremony is Saturday night.  

I've experienced a collaring ceremony before except last time, I was the one being collared.


This time, I'm the Dominant.  I feel like more is expected of me this time.  I have no idea where to start with what I want to say.  I'm afraid I'm going to trip over my words... and look like an idiot and embarrass both of us.

It'll be okay, right?

Monday, September 3, 2012

Get Out.

I have something to say to the people saying that abortion should be illegal because it isn't what God intended for us to do.  

If God didn't want me to be able to choose whether or not to do something regardless of whether it's "right" or "wrong", he wouldn't have given me free will.  He gave us the right to make our own choices.  I would like to keep that right.  

IF I make a decision it just so happens that God is unhappy with me for it, that's between me and God.  

It's none. of. your. fucking. business.  

You don't like abortion?  Don't have one.  For the record, I don't like it either.  

My point is, I don't give one flying fuck who you are; it's not YOUR place to tell me what I can and can't do.  You did not create me, my body does not belong to you, and I do not answer to you for what I do with my own body.  I would appreciate it if you would keep YOUR opinions out of MY uterus and stop trying to decide where I should spend my eternity and how you think I should get there.  

And for the record, making this stuff illegal isn't going to save the souls of those people who would have done it otherwise.  YOU can't get me into heaven.  

You want to make this world a place with better morals?  Stop making up bullshit lies to smear other people in order to make people think you're better.  Stop spreading hate.  Encourage people to be nice to each other, accept each other, learn about each other, love each other.  You know, like Jesus said?

Just saying.