Thursday, March 7, 2013

She's left me

I just don't get it.  

From the beginning:

A few years ago, before I left, we extended an offer for her to come here and live with us.  She needed to leave the situation she was in.  She said that she was terribly unhappy in the D/s relationship she was in and wanted out of it and needed help.  She told us what an asshole her Dom was and how horribly he treated her.  I offered to help and asked her to come here and be mine.  She made the decision to leave him and come here and we started planning.

She changed her mind.  Went back to her Dom and decided to go live with family.  I was devastated.  I felt rejected.  I got depressed and put on about 45 lbs.

Things didn't work out at her mom's.  She told me that her step father was an asshole and kicked them out because he was becoming suicidal because of her 2 year old daughter and how unruly she was.  She told me how mean they were to her and her daughter and that it wasn't her fault.

She moved to her sister's.  Things didn't work out there.  She told me that her sister decided to leave her fiance and move in with another man and not tell her that she was leaving.  And that she found out later that her daughter was part of the reason for her sister leaving.  She told me how her sister just abandoned her and it was not her fault.

With no notice of needing to find a place to go, she decided to move to her aunt's house.

Her mother and sister conspired against her to call child protective services and try to get emergency temporary custody.  This prevented her from leaving the state with her daughter.  She had to leave alone and go back for her daughter.

This is about the time that I left.

While I was gone, she wrote to me more than anyone else (except my mom and Erik.)  She finally made the decision to leave her D/s relationship for good and started seeing a FWB that she'd known previously and gotten back in touch with.  She told me how great he was.

She'd gone back to court with her aunt and gotten her daughter back.

Through our letters, we grew closer and she began to tell me how frustrated she was with her aunt and uncle and the arrangement they had.  She told me how mean they were to her and to her daughter.

After I got home, she got notice that they wanted her to move out.  She told me that they were ignoring her and treating her like crap with no explanation and that none of it was her fault.

Again, we extended the offer for her to move here with us.  She talked it over with her FWB (douchebag) and decided to accept our offer since her only other option was a homeless shelter.

She got here last year on Valentine's Day.  I was so hopeful that this time would be different for her because we would love her and her daughter.  We'd accept them and give them the love and stability she'd said she never received before.

She and I talked and negotiated and I offered her my collar and she accepted it.  

I noticed quickly that she struggled a LOT with how to handle her daughter.  According to her, she never had a good example to follow and nobody had ever taken the time to show her.  That was the first thing we worked on.  (This is the only thing that has improved during her whole time here).  Her daughter became much more well behaved and she learned some tools to help her deal with the times that she wasn't behaving.

Here ends the happy fluffy stuff.

It was soon discovered that her FWB was only interested in using her as a piece of ass and she didn't see it.  THAT was a struggle to overcome.

I discovered that her former Dom was not HALF the asshole she'd convinced us he was.  He's actually a nice guy.

From the beginning, I could tell that she was used to being a manipulator.  She tried several different methods to try and manipulate me.  When she tried something and it didn't work the way she wanted, she tried something else.  She kept trying and trying until she didn't have any tricks left.

When I explained things to her, she'd try to find loopholes around them.  

Then she just started lying to me.  Doing what I wanted her to do to my face and then would say the complete opposite behind my back, telling others how mean I was to her.  How none of it was her fault.  How she needed to be rescued.  She'd tell me how much she loved me and appreciated what I was doing for her but never acted like it.  Then I'd catch her telling some guy how she wanted to be with him, etc.  Saying that we were controlling and she was looking to move out... Meanwhile planning her collaring ceremony to graduate from being in consideration.

All of it lies.

All of it.

I never felt like she wanted me.  Always felt rejected by her and always felt like she liked it that way.  She liked to be in control and by rejecting me, she was in control.  It was like it gave her pleasure to see me suffering.

It's easy to look back after something falls apart and say, "did you ever really love me?  Did you ever really want this? It was a lie all along wasn't it?"  It somehow makes it hurt less or something.

In this case, I'm not just making it up. I have seen it.  I saw it occasionally as it was happening and ignored the flags.  Thinking that it was just a bad habit that she needed to break by forming new better habits.  I chose to believe the lies she was telling me... that she knew that it was what was best for her.  She was saying it, but she never believed it.

I couldn't understand why it never seemed like no matter how much I showed her love and care, she treated me like she secretly hated me... despite the fact that she was telling me I was wrong.

Now that she's gone, I find things she left behind.  Things she never told me about.  Things saying that she was telling others that we were controlling and she was looking to move.

I ignored my intuition out of concern for her.  Knowing that if I kicked her out, I'd be just like the rest of them and she had no where to go.  I couldn't bear to do that to her or to her daughter.  I had hope that something would click in her head and she'd realize that it was time to grow up.  I couldn't bring myself to give up on them.

What it came down to is that she didn't want to be here where she couldn't manipulate and control the circumstances.  She didn't want to be where she was forced to deal with things she preferred to ignore, like her numerous health problems.  She wants to be a kid and at the same time pretend like she is in control of others.  She's selfish and cold and heartless.

We opened our home and our hearts to her.  Accepted them as our family.  Didn't let ANYONE disrespect them.  Rearranged our lives and our home to accomodate them.  Sold my son's bed to make room for her daughter to have her own bed.  Bought them both things that they needed and wanted even though she never got a job or a source of income to contribute to the family even though that's what we agreed she'd do.  She never did.

She never did any of the things that she promised she would do.  And then she blamed me for them not happening.

What the hell did I do to deserve this disrespect?  I loved her and listened when she did talk to me.  My relationship with my husband and my children and myself suffered for the sake of me wanting to help them.

I was foolish to believe that she'd be any different with me than she was with everyone else.  I tried to justify the fact that they were the wrong people and she was lucky to have fallen into our laps and that we would show her how she should be treated.

She and I had a talk the other day and yesterday in which she said she couldn't do it any more.  I offered to let her stay living here and get a job or go to school or whatever... without the D/s.  She declined the offer.  We talked about where she'd go.  She told me yesterday that she'd see if she could go back to her grandmother's house.  We agreed that she would call and see if it was an option and we'd discuss the plan for her to leave. 

Everything was fine last night before bed.  We watched Idol, then we watched Con Air and went to bed.

I woke up this morning at 6:30am to find her and her daughter gone.  

Packed and gone.  

No note.  

No Goodbye.  

No nothing.

Erik is furious.

I am so conflicted.  One minute I'm pissed at her for being such a coward and knowing she'd already had this planned.  Pissed at myself for believing that I could make a difference and help her.

The next minute I'm heart broken because I miss that little girl so much and I saw how attached she became to me and I didn't even get to tell her goodbye.  Erik didn't get to hug her goodnight last night because she went to bed while he was taking his daughter back to her mom's.

Cody feels betrayed.  He used the analogy that it's like playing Call of Duty.  He said "It's like she's our friend and then she just switches teams and starts shooting us."

Brianna just keeps crying saying she wants her little sister back and she just wants to sleep in her sister's bed.

How could she do this to us?  How?

I haven't hurt this badly in a long time.  I have no idea how long it's going to take us to recover from this.  She didn't just break up with me.  She broke up our family.  The kids have said they don't understand why she would just rip out our hearts like that.