Wednesday, November 7, 2012

For the sake of my Bee.

I’m not the perfect Mom.  I will never claim to be.  I will claim that I love my children more than anything and I try to always do what I feel is in their best interests.  There are SEVERAL reasons why I feel that it’s better that I have primary physical custody of Brianna than for her father to have it.  Those reasons include but are not limited to the following:  I feel that as parents, it’s our responsibility to make sure that we give our children the tools to be able to succeed and make it on their own in the world when they grow up and rely on their own selves to get where they want to go.  Because of this belief, I try to teach my children love, kindness, and acceptance instead of hate, forgiveness instead of holding a grudge and judging people, honesty, responsibility, accountability, self respect, respect for others, logic, the importance of education, self-discipline, etc.  

With my daughter, I’m in a position where I not only have to do what I think is best for her, but at the same time, I have to also communicate with her father and keep him relatively happy since he’s a major asshole and likes to fight with me which is not good for her at all.

I’m the kind of person who looks at the big picture and when making a decision, I try to look at how the decision will affect everyone else.  I have quite a few people in this home that I am in charge of.  I have been tasked with making sure that they have what they need.  That includes life lessons.  I took on that responsibility when I became a mother.  Sometimes, a decision has to be made that might not have the result that EVERYONE likes, but it’s what happened to be necessary at the time for the big picture.  When something like this happens and Bee’s father finds out about it and doesn’t agree with the decision I made (because she’s his ONLY priority, I have more than one) he starts a fight.  He then tells her that I’m the one always starting fights with him and she believes it.  When she’s not getting her way here, she tells me how she wants to go live with him because she likes it better with him.  He caters to her every whim, gives her whatever she wants and also teaches her and reinforces with her that lying is acceptable and that all she has to do is poke him with a stick to stir up some drama and he’ll fly off the handle and jump.  I don’t fall for this when she tries it with me.  She doesn’t like this.

It’s NOT a good situation for her when he and I are not getting along.  I try to get along with him, I try to make extra compromises with him just for the sake of peace and if he’s not feeling like being reasonable, he fights with me and tells her all about how unreasonable I am and how he cares about her more than I do and then she clings to him thinking it’s true.  She’s conflicted because she loves both of us but it causes her a lot of distress when she sees the tension.  I try to do things to make it easier on her but he won’t go along with anything I suggest even if it’s what’s best for her.  Ever.  Why?  Because I suggested it.  Yes, really.

Now, this gives me quite the dilemma.

When does ‘doing the right thing for her growth as a person’ become no longer in her best interests right now?  When does the current drama trump her future?

Do I just let her go to him and give him custody despite the fact that he’s a bad influence, a bad example and teaches her dishonesty and hate if it will make her less stressed now?  Even though it’s letting him and his tempter tantrum win, it’s not about which one of us “wins”, it’s about her and her well being.  Conversely, I’m not teaching her that temper tantrums won’t accomplish anything if I let him throw one and get his way.  I wouldn’t be setting a very good example.  But is that lesson worth what it’s costing now?  It’s straining her happiness right now and our relationship right now, but at the same time, in the future, when she’s much older, she will hopefully appreciate the fact that I stuck it out and fought for what I felt was best for her.  And hopefully she’ll realize that I did it because I love her so much.

Do you see my dilemma?