Friday, May 31, 2013

You are NOT a terrible parent.

Wow.  This.  So much this.  If you have kids, read it.  I'm not kidding.

I really needed this.

"I am in a season of my life right now where I feel bone-tired almost all of the time. Ragged, how-am-I-going-to-make-it-to-the-end-of-the-day, eyes burning exhausted.

I have three boys ages 5 and under. I'm not complaining about that. Well, maybe I am a little bit. But I know that there are people who would give anything for a house full of laughter and chaos. I was that person for years and years; the pain of infertility is stabbing and throbbing and constant. I remember allowing hope to rise and then seeing it crash all around me, month after month, for seven years. I am working on another post about infertility that will come at a later date.

But right now, in my actual life, I have three boys ages 5 and under. There are many moments where they are utterly delightful, like last week, when Isaac told my sister-in-law that, "My daddy has hair all over." Or when Elijah put a green washcloth over his chin and cheeks, and proudly declared, "Daddy! I have a beard just like you!" Or when Ben sneaks downstairs in the morning before the other boys do, smiles at me, and says, "Daddy and Ben time."

But there are also many moments when I have no idea how I'm going to make it until their bedtime. The constant demands, the needs and the fighting are fingernails across the chalkboard every single day.

One of my children is for sure going to be the next Steve Jobs. I now have immense empathy for his parents. He has a precise vision of what he wants -- exactly that way and no other way. Sometimes, it's the way his plate needs to be centered exactly to his chair, or how his socks go on, or exactly how the picture of the pink dolphin needs to look -- with brave eyes, not sad eyes, daddy! He is a laser beam, and he is not satisfied until it's exactly right.

I have to confess that sometimes, the sound of his screaming drives me to hide in the pantry. And I will neither confirm nor deny that while in there, I compulsively eat chips and/or dark chocolate.

There are people who say this to me:

"You should enjoy every moment now! They grow up so fast!"

I usually smile and give some sort of guffaw, but inside, I secretly want to hold them under water. Just for a minute or so. Just until they panic a little.

If you have friends with small children -- especially if your children are now teenagers or if they're grown -- please vow to me right now that you will never say this to them. Not because it's not true, but because it really, really doesn't help.

We know it's true that they grow up too fast. But feeling like I have to enjoy every moment doesn't feel like a gift, it feels like one more thing that is impossible to do, and right now, that list is way too long. Not every moment is enjoyable as a parent; it wasn't for you, and it isn't for me. You just have obviously forgotten. I can forgive you for that. But if you tell me to enjoy every moment one more time, I will need to break up with you.

If you are a parent of small children, you know that there are moments of spectacular delight, and you can't believe you get to be around these little people. But let me be the one who says the following things out loud:

You are not a terrible parent if you can't figure out a way for your children to eat as healthy as your friend's children do. She's obviously using a bizarre and probably illegal form of hypnotism.

You are not a terrible parent if you yell at your kids sometimes. You have little dictators living in your house. If someone else talked to you like that, they'd be put in prison.

You are not a terrible parent if you can't figure out how to calmly give them appropriate consequences in real time for every single act of terrorism that they so creatively devise.

You are not a terrible parent if you'd rather be at work.

You are not a terrible parent if you just can't wait for them to go to bed.

You are not a terrible parent if the sound of their voices sometimes makes you want to drink and never stop.

You're not a terrible parent.

You're an actual parent with limits. You cannot do it all. We all need to admit that one of the casualties specific to our information saturated culture is that we have sky-scraper standards for parenting, where we feel like we're failing horribly if we feed our children chicken nuggets and we let them watch TV in the morning.

One of the reasons we are so exhausted is that we are oversaturated with information about the kind of parents we should be.

So, maybe it's time to stop reading the blogs that tell you how to raise the next president who knows how to read when she's 3 and who cooks, not only eats, her vegetables. Maybe it's time to embrace being the kind of parent who says sorry when you yell. Who models what it's like to take time for yourself. Who asks God to help you to be a better version of the person that you actually are, not for more strength to be an ideal parent.

So, the next time you see your friends with small children with that foggy and desperate look in their eyes, order them a pizza and send it to their house that night. Volunteer to take their kids for a few hours so they can be alone in their own house and have sex when they're not so tired, for heaven's sake. Put your hand on their shoulder, look them in the eyes, and tell them that they're doing a good job. Just don't freak out if they start weeping uncontrollably. Most of the time, we feel like we're botching the whole deal and our kids will turn into horrible criminals who hate us and will never want to be around us when they're older.

You're bone-tired. I'm not sure when it's going to get better. Today might be a good day or it might be the day that you lost it in a way that surprised even yourself.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

You're not alone."

Here's the link to the article...

Thursday, April 25, 2013

The boy...

Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl wonders if boy likes girl.  fuck.

Before I get started, just to eliminate any confusion, I have another boy under consideration... this is not the same boy.  The one under consideration is Suzie, and he will be here on the 3rd to start his service. :)  He's only available to me on the weekends, so I was continuing to search for someone during the week... Who says I can't have two?  Yes, I'm a greedy bitch.  And?

Last night, I went to my first munch.  I've been to the GrUE, about to go to DomCon, I've been to classes, dungeon parties, etc.  Never a munch.  I decided to go because there's this boy I've been talking to... and he occasionally goes to munches so I thought it might be a good place for us to meet in person.

I found him on collarme.  I know, I know.  Don't judge me.  I noticed he'd looked at my profile and didn't message me so I went and looked at his and was intrigued.  So I messaged him and told him I saw that he'd looked at me but didn't message and might I ask why.  He thanked me for messaging him and explained that he didn't message me because he was concerned about the fact that I was married and was unsure that his involvement would cause some sort of strain or drama in my marriage.  I told him that I appreciated his concern and explained that my marriage is quite secure and that he didn't need to worry about that.  We continued to talk here and there over the last month and finally decided it was time to meet. (Because he's so close by and I'm impatient, dammit.)

Before getting there, my impression of him was that he was smart, knew what he wanted and didn't want, was well educated (not the same as smart), respectful, and completely adorable.  He's in his early (very early) 20s and looks young.  He's into light humiliation but not hurtful humiliation and I think that he may be sensitive about his height specifically because he used that as an example when we were talking about limits and stuff.

Erik and I got there, picked an open table and shortly after, the boy came up behind me, having spotted us, and introduced himself.  I shook his hand, introduced myself and Erik.  I was immediately smitten.

Erik slid into the booth so he'd have a good view of the room, I slipped in next and the boy was on the end.  I thought it would make him feel more comfortable not to be 'blocked in' on our first meeting.  I know that would have made me uncomfortable.

Conversation happened easily.  He would be talking and I would notice him blushing and realize that I was smiling at him.  We talked about work, school, dreams, career plans, military enlistment, dungeons, podcasts, and more.  At one point, I was telling him about something and he interjected a comment and then apologized for interrupting.  *swoon* (He obviously pays attention).  There were people talking near our table and he was watching them. I had a question for him so I touched his arm lightly with my fingertips to get his attention.  He turned his head toward me and had a look on his face as though he liked that I'd touched him.  My tummy fluttered.

They started kicking everyone out and we were still talking, so I went upfront to pay.  I paid our check and after I got my change, it was brought to my attention (because I was NOT paying attention apparently) that the three of us had been on one ticket.  So I had paid for his dinner accidentally... so he was trying to give the guy money and the guy wouldn't take it saying it was already paid for and there was a line forming behind us so I asked him if he would be mad if we just left it and he started to protest so I told him we should just go talk about it outside and get out of everyone else's way.  He agreed, we went outside and started talking. And forgot about the check.  D'oh!

We stood outside talking for about another ten minutes.  I asked him how tall he is, he said 5'8" on a good day and that he tries to stand up really tall when the doctor measures him and he wishes he were taller. I thought he looked a little shorter than that but I told him that I LOVE that he isn't too tall.  What I'm looking for in him is someone about his size and he's the perfect height, weight, adorable-ness for what I want! (It is too a word.  I said so.) He likes to be dressed up like a doll and in girl's clothes so his size is kind of perfect for that.

So we start to walk toward the parking lot, he talks about a trip he's going on until Sunday, we go to part ways, he says that it was a pleasure meeting us and he looked at me and said, "I'll be in touch with you, I'm sure." To which I responded, "Yes, please." And then he said good night and walked away.

I sent him a text message a little while later telling him that it was a pleasure meeting him.  No response.

My brain started freaking out.  "OMG.  We forgot to fix the check.  Is he mad?  Is he insulted?  I didn't do it on purpose, I swear. Shit.  Should I say something?  Should I not?  OMG!!  I was asking about his height!  WHY ON EARTH DID I DO THAT?  Does he think I was teasing him about it?   I totally wasn't.  I told him I liked his height and that it was perfect."

I sent him another text this morning telling him that I realized last night that we didn't settle the check like he'd wanted to do.  That I was enjoying talking with him so much that I completely forgot and I apologized.

I still haven't heard back, HOWEVER ~ He's pretty busy most of the time and it's often half a day or a day before I get a text back from him. (At this point, there are no expectations when it comes to communicating and schedules.)

Knowing that he's really busy and that it most likely has nothing to do with me is not helping my brain and its, "OMG did I fuck it up?!?!" bullshit.

This is why I'm soooo glad I don't have to date anymore.  I mean, this is kind of like dating, but I have Erik.  He's all I need.  When it comes down to it, he's the one... anyone else is just the decoration on the frosting. ;)

So yeah, even Mistresses can be neurotic,too.  Right?  It's not just me?

(is it just me?)



Update: The boy just texted me. He told me it was a pleasure meeting me and he hopes there's a next time. :D

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


I came over here to the computer because my head is swimming with thoughts.  Opened the window to write a new entry and discovered that nobody is following my blog.  This makes my insecure brain immediately think, "That must mean nobody cares what I have to say."  If that's true, then why am I always going on and on like I have shit figured out?  Maybe it's because it sounds all logical in my head.  As much as I think I have figured out, I must not be as right as I think... because if I were, my life wouldn't be such a train wreck, would it?

I believe that our life is what we make of it.  That doesn't mean I believe that outside factors don't influence what happens around/to us.  That means that even though we can't control the actions of others, we can do our best to control the way we respond to these things.  Sometimes, that is the hardest thing in the world to do: get control of ourselves.

I often find myself feeling or acting in a way that is completely irrational, illogical, and/or unfair.  I have some pretty serious anxiety issues.  I try to keep it under control as best I can, but sometimes, I can't stop the feeling of fire rising from my stomach, the shaky hands, the inability to speak, the paranoia of what's going on around me... All set off by something completely stupid, unrelated to anything, innocent. (or is it?)

Something triggers me and I obsess.  I can't let it go.  It pokes at me and makes my throat tingle.  I check out and become oblivious to what's going on around me.  That's the only way I can endure it.  I withdraw.  That's how I cope with it.  Funny thing is... I am only able to do that when He is around.  If He's not here, my mind won't allow me to disconnect.  I don't feel that I'm in a safe environment.  He is my safe place.  The safe place I always wanted growing up and never had.  The safe place I longed for with every man I ever knew and never got.  Until Him.  Knowing that, anyone would understand why I am so protective of my relationship with Him.  Why I'm so unwilling to let anyone try to take a part of that from me.  It's mine.  And I don't fucking share.  Does that make me selfish?  Yes.  I'm ok with that.

I'm protective of my relationship with anyone who I truly love.  If I care deeply for someone and something/someone else is threatening that, I fall. the fuck. apart.  When the threat is the insecurity and lack of trust I feel because I'm wounded and vulnerable?  That's even harder to take.  Because then I'm the one who's broken.  I don't like feeling broken.  I don't like knowing that there's something wrong and it's because I can't get over myself and fucking heal already.  I don't like it that all I want is to be ok, and not insecure, and not hurt... and I. Just. Can't.

Trust is very hard to rebuild when it's been betrayed.  My trust has been disrespected too many times over the last couple of years for me or anyone else to expect me to not be completely broken.  I try to keep it together... to maintain myself as "normal" (whatever THAT is) and sometimes, I just can't hold it together anymore.

It's times like these that I need Him the most.  He knows what I need in these times and He gives it to me.  I don't have to ask, I don't have to say anything, I don't WANT to say anything, I feel unable to say anything.  He can get me to talk anyway.  And I always feel better.  Always.

This is one of the reasons I fell in love with Him so easily in the beginning.  One of the reasons that I'm still in love with Him.  He knows what's wrong without asking and still, He can get me to talk when I don't want to because He knows that I need to.  He can get me to laugh when the LAST thing I want to do is smile because He knows that I need to.

This part of us has been missing for over a year.  I've been lost and confused and hopeless and terrified.

It's back.

We're back.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

She's left me

I just don't get it.  

From the beginning:

A few years ago, before I left, we extended an offer for her to come here and live with us.  She needed to leave the situation she was in.  She said that she was terribly unhappy in the D/s relationship she was in and wanted out of it and needed help.  She told us what an asshole her Dom was and how horribly he treated her.  I offered to help and asked her to come here and be mine.  She made the decision to leave him and come here and we started planning.

She changed her mind.  Went back to her Dom and decided to go live with family.  I was devastated.  I felt rejected.  I got depressed and put on about 45 lbs.

Things didn't work out at her mom's.  She told me that her step father was an asshole and kicked them out because he was becoming suicidal because of her 2 year old daughter and how unruly she was.  She told me how mean they were to her and her daughter and that it wasn't her fault.

She moved to her sister's.  Things didn't work out there.  She told me that her sister decided to leave her fiance and move in with another man and not tell her that she was leaving.  And that she found out later that her daughter was part of the reason for her sister leaving.  She told me how her sister just abandoned her and it was not her fault.

With no notice of needing to find a place to go, she decided to move to her aunt's house.

Her mother and sister conspired against her to call child protective services and try to get emergency temporary custody.  This prevented her from leaving the state with her daughter.  She had to leave alone and go back for her daughter.

This is about the time that I left.

While I was gone, she wrote to me more than anyone else (except my mom and Erik.)  She finally made the decision to leave her D/s relationship for good and started seeing a FWB that she'd known previously and gotten back in touch with.  She told me how great he was.

She'd gone back to court with her aunt and gotten her daughter back.

Through our letters, we grew closer and she began to tell me how frustrated she was with her aunt and uncle and the arrangement they had.  She told me how mean they were to her and to her daughter.

After I got home, she got notice that they wanted her to move out.  She told me that they were ignoring her and treating her like crap with no explanation and that none of it was her fault.

Again, we extended the offer for her to move here with us.  She talked it over with her FWB (douchebag) and decided to accept our offer since her only other option was a homeless shelter.

She got here last year on Valentine's Day.  I was so hopeful that this time would be different for her because we would love her and her daughter.  We'd accept them and give them the love and stability she'd said she never received before.

She and I talked and negotiated and I offered her my collar and she accepted it.  

I noticed quickly that she struggled a LOT with how to handle her daughter.  According to her, she never had a good example to follow and nobody had ever taken the time to show her.  That was the first thing we worked on.  (This is the only thing that has improved during her whole time here).  Her daughter became much more well behaved and she learned some tools to help her deal with the times that she wasn't behaving.

Here ends the happy fluffy stuff.

It was soon discovered that her FWB was only interested in using her as a piece of ass and she didn't see it.  THAT was a struggle to overcome.

I discovered that her former Dom was not HALF the asshole she'd convinced us he was.  He's actually a nice guy.

From the beginning, I could tell that she was used to being a manipulator.  She tried several different methods to try and manipulate me.  When she tried something and it didn't work the way she wanted, she tried something else.  She kept trying and trying until she didn't have any tricks left.

When I explained things to her, she'd try to find loopholes around them.  

Then she just started lying to me.  Doing what I wanted her to do to my face and then would say the complete opposite behind my back, telling others how mean I was to her.  How none of it was her fault.  How she needed to be rescued.  She'd tell me how much she loved me and appreciated what I was doing for her but never acted like it.  Then I'd catch her telling some guy how she wanted to be with him, etc.  Saying that we were controlling and she was looking to move out... Meanwhile planning her collaring ceremony to graduate from being in consideration.

All of it lies.

All of it.

I never felt like she wanted me.  Always felt rejected by her and always felt like she liked it that way.  She liked to be in control and by rejecting me, she was in control.  It was like it gave her pleasure to see me suffering.

It's easy to look back after something falls apart and say, "did you ever really love me?  Did you ever really want this? It was a lie all along wasn't it?"  It somehow makes it hurt less or something.

In this case, I'm not just making it up. I have seen it.  I saw it occasionally as it was happening and ignored the flags.  Thinking that it was just a bad habit that she needed to break by forming new better habits.  I chose to believe the lies she was telling me... that she knew that it was what was best for her.  She was saying it, but she never believed it.

I couldn't understand why it never seemed like no matter how much I showed her love and care, she treated me like she secretly hated me... despite the fact that she was telling me I was wrong.

Now that she's gone, I find things she left behind.  Things she never told me about.  Things saying that she was telling others that we were controlling and she was looking to move.

I ignored my intuition out of concern for her.  Knowing that if I kicked her out, I'd be just like the rest of them and she had no where to go.  I couldn't bear to do that to her or to her daughter.  I had hope that something would click in her head and she'd realize that it was time to grow up.  I couldn't bring myself to give up on them.

What it came down to is that she didn't want to be here where she couldn't manipulate and control the circumstances.  She didn't want to be where she was forced to deal with things she preferred to ignore, like her numerous health problems.  She wants to be a kid and at the same time pretend like she is in control of others.  She's selfish and cold and heartless.

We opened our home and our hearts to her.  Accepted them as our family.  Didn't let ANYONE disrespect them.  Rearranged our lives and our home to accomodate them.  Sold my son's bed to make room for her daughter to have her own bed.  Bought them both things that they needed and wanted even though she never got a job or a source of income to contribute to the family even though that's what we agreed she'd do.  She never did.

She never did any of the things that she promised she would do.  And then she blamed me for them not happening.

What the hell did I do to deserve this disrespect?  I loved her and listened when she did talk to me.  My relationship with my husband and my children and myself suffered for the sake of me wanting to help them.

I was foolish to believe that she'd be any different with me than she was with everyone else.  I tried to justify the fact that they were the wrong people and she was lucky to have fallen into our laps and that we would show her how she should be treated.

She and I had a talk the other day and yesterday in which she said she couldn't do it any more.  I offered to let her stay living here and get a job or go to school or whatever... without the D/s.  She declined the offer.  We talked about where she'd go.  She told me yesterday that she'd see if she could go back to her grandmother's house.  We agreed that she would call and see if it was an option and we'd discuss the plan for her to leave. 

Everything was fine last night before bed.  We watched Idol, then we watched Con Air and went to bed.

I woke up this morning at 6:30am to find her and her daughter gone.  

Packed and gone.  

No note.  

No Goodbye.  

No nothing.

Erik is furious.

I am so conflicted.  One minute I'm pissed at her for being such a coward and knowing she'd already had this planned.  Pissed at myself for believing that I could make a difference and help her.

The next minute I'm heart broken because I miss that little girl so much and I saw how attached she became to me and I didn't even get to tell her goodbye.  Erik didn't get to hug her goodnight last night because she went to bed while he was taking his daughter back to her mom's.

Cody feels betrayed.  He used the analogy that it's like playing Call of Duty.  He said "It's like she's our friend and then she just switches teams and starts shooting us."

Brianna just keeps crying saying she wants her little sister back and she just wants to sleep in her sister's bed.

How could she do this to us?  How?

I haven't hurt this badly in a long time.  I have no idea how long it's going to take us to recover from this.  She didn't just break up with me.  She broke up our family.  The kids have said they don't understand why she would just rip out our hearts like that.




Friday, January 18, 2013


I'm kind of offended right now and I'm not sure how to handle it... A friend of mine stomped her foot and deleted me as a friend (along with a few others), labeling me as some terrible kind of person (don't even know what kind, as she wasn't specific) because she sent out a group message yesterday morning and I didn't have a chance to respond to it since I had to work early that morning and came home to a sick daughter while also trying to plan my son's birthday party which is tomorrow.  I went to respond last night after the kids were in bed and she'd left the conversation and unfriended me.  

Normally, I would just say, "oh well, your loss." But it really bugs me this time because I'm getting kind of tired of people deciding that because they're not the center of my very existence, that means they can draw the conclusion that I don't care about them or want them as my friend.  I had another friend who did that.  If I (or anyone he knew) didn't initiate conversation with him daily, he decided that they felt he wasn't worth their time and didn't want to be friends with him.  If he commented on something of theirs and they didn't respond, they secretly didn't like him and thought he was beneath them... so he would pick fights so they'd say, "no.... I want to be your friend... I like you!!!"  He and I aren't friends anymore because I ended the friendship because of something else... But anyhow, I digress.  

You might say, "if they're going to be like that, you don't want them as a friend anyway." But that's not the point for me.  The point is that right now she's hurting because she thinks that I don't want to be her friend and she feels deserted.  I realize she's doing that to herself but it bothers me when someone is upset or hurting and they feel it's because of me.  I don't like leaving that impression on anyone.  I suppose I'll get over it but it just makes me sad.  Mostly for her...

So I'd like to take this opportunity to say to all of you... Just because I don't talk to you every minute doesn't mean that I don't cherish your friendship.  If I don't respond to a message right away, it doesn't mean that I'm abandoning you.  My family takes first priority.  ALWAYS. (Not to mention the fact that I have my own emotional issues to deal with.  I'm lucky that I'm even HERE)  If that's a problem for you, then maybe we shouldn't be friends... but I'm putting it out there now so that there are no misconceptions about what kind of friend I'm willing to be.  If it doesn't interfere with my responsibilities as a mother and wife, I will be there to the best of my ability when you need me and when I can be... .  Just because it's not on YOUR schedule doesn't mean I don't care.  If you're going to expect that much of me as a friend, then I'm sorry to have disappointed you and I hope that you find someone who's better capable of providing that.