Thursday, April 25, 2013

The boy...

Girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl wonders if boy likes girl.  fuck.

Before I get started, just to eliminate any confusion, I have another boy under consideration... this is not the same boy.  The one under consideration is Suzie, and he will be here on the 3rd to start his service. :)  He's only available to me on the weekends, so I was continuing to search for someone during the week... Who says I can't have two?  Yes, I'm a greedy bitch.  And?

Last night, I went to my first munch.  I've been to the GrUE, about to go to DomCon, I've been to classes, dungeon parties, etc.  Never a munch.  I decided to go because there's this boy I've been talking to... and he occasionally goes to munches so I thought it might be a good place for us to meet in person.

I found him on collarme.  I know, I know.  Don't judge me.  I noticed he'd looked at my profile and didn't message me so I went and looked at his and was intrigued.  So I messaged him and told him I saw that he'd looked at me but didn't message and might I ask why.  He thanked me for messaging him and explained that he didn't message me because he was concerned about the fact that I was married and was unsure that his involvement would cause some sort of strain or drama in my marriage.  I told him that I appreciated his concern and explained that my marriage is quite secure and that he didn't need to worry about that.  We continued to talk here and there over the last month and finally decided it was time to meet. (Because he's so close by and I'm impatient, dammit.)

Before getting there, my impression of him was that he was smart, knew what he wanted and didn't want, was well educated (not the same as smart), respectful, and completely adorable.  He's in his early (very early) 20s and looks young.  He's into light humiliation but not hurtful humiliation and I think that he may be sensitive about his height specifically because he used that as an example when we were talking about limits and stuff.

Erik and I got there, picked an open table and shortly after, the boy came up behind me, having spotted us, and introduced himself.  I shook his hand, introduced myself and Erik.  I was immediately smitten.

Erik slid into the booth so he'd have a good view of the room, I slipped in next and the boy was on the end.  I thought it would make him feel more comfortable not to be 'blocked in' on our first meeting.  I know that would have made me uncomfortable.

Conversation happened easily.  He would be talking and I would notice him blushing and realize that I was smiling at him.  We talked about work, school, dreams, career plans, military enlistment, dungeons, podcasts, and more.  At one point, I was telling him about something and he interjected a comment and then apologized for interrupting.  *swoon* (He obviously pays attention).  There were people talking near our table and he was watching them. I had a question for him so I touched his arm lightly with my fingertips to get his attention.  He turned his head toward me and had a look on his face as though he liked that I'd touched him.  My tummy fluttered.

They started kicking everyone out and we were still talking, so I went upfront to pay.  I paid our check and after I got my change, it was brought to my attention (because I was NOT paying attention apparently) that the three of us had been on one ticket.  So I had paid for his dinner accidentally... so he was trying to give the guy money and the guy wouldn't take it saying it was already paid for and there was a line forming behind us so I asked him if he would be mad if we just left it and he started to protest so I told him we should just go talk about it outside and get out of everyone else's way.  He agreed, we went outside and started talking. And forgot about the check.  D'oh!

We stood outside talking for about another ten minutes.  I asked him how tall he is, he said 5'8" on a good day and that he tries to stand up really tall when the doctor measures him and he wishes he were taller. I thought he looked a little shorter than that but I told him that I LOVE that he isn't too tall.  What I'm looking for in him is someone about his size and he's the perfect height, weight, adorable-ness for what I want! (It is too a word.  I said so.) He likes to be dressed up like a doll and in girl's clothes so his size is kind of perfect for that.

So we start to walk toward the parking lot, he talks about a trip he's going on until Sunday, we go to part ways, he says that it was a pleasure meeting us and he looked at me and said, "I'll be in touch with you, I'm sure." To which I responded, "Yes, please." And then he said good night and walked away.

I sent him a text message a little while later telling him that it was a pleasure meeting him.  No response.

My brain started freaking out.  "OMG.  We forgot to fix the check.  Is he mad?  Is he insulted?  I didn't do it on purpose, I swear. Shit.  Should I say something?  Should I not?  OMG!!  I was asking about his height!  WHY ON EARTH DID I DO THAT?  Does he think I was teasing him about it?   I totally wasn't.  I told him I liked his height and that it was perfect."

I sent him another text this morning telling him that I realized last night that we didn't settle the check like he'd wanted to do.  That I was enjoying talking with him so much that I completely forgot and I apologized.

I still haven't heard back, HOWEVER ~ He's pretty busy most of the time and it's often half a day or a day before I get a text back from him. (At this point, there are no expectations when it comes to communicating and schedules.)

Knowing that he's really busy and that it most likely has nothing to do with me is not helping my brain and its, "OMG did I fuck it up?!?!" bullshit.

This is why I'm soooo glad I don't have to date anymore.  I mean, this is kind of like dating, but I have Erik.  He's all I need.  When it comes down to it, he's the one... anyone else is just the decoration on the frosting. ;)

So yeah, even Mistresses can be neurotic,too.  Right?  It's not just me?

(is it just me?)



Update: The boy just texted me. He told me it was a pleasure meeting me and he hopes there's a next time. :D

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


I came over here to the computer because my head is swimming with thoughts.  Opened the window to write a new entry and discovered that nobody is following my blog.  This makes my insecure brain immediately think, "That must mean nobody cares what I have to say."  If that's true, then why am I always going on and on like I have shit figured out?  Maybe it's because it sounds all logical in my head.  As much as I think I have figured out, I must not be as right as I think... because if I were, my life wouldn't be such a train wreck, would it?

I believe that our life is what we make of it.  That doesn't mean I believe that outside factors don't influence what happens around/to us.  That means that even though we can't control the actions of others, we can do our best to control the way we respond to these things.  Sometimes, that is the hardest thing in the world to do: get control of ourselves.

I often find myself feeling or acting in a way that is completely irrational, illogical, and/or unfair.  I have some pretty serious anxiety issues.  I try to keep it under control as best I can, but sometimes, I can't stop the feeling of fire rising from my stomach, the shaky hands, the inability to speak, the paranoia of what's going on around me... All set off by something completely stupid, unrelated to anything, innocent. (or is it?)

Something triggers me and I obsess.  I can't let it go.  It pokes at me and makes my throat tingle.  I check out and become oblivious to what's going on around me.  That's the only way I can endure it.  I withdraw.  That's how I cope with it.  Funny thing is... I am only able to do that when He is around.  If He's not here, my mind won't allow me to disconnect.  I don't feel that I'm in a safe environment.  He is my safe place.  The safe place I always wanted growing up and never had.  The safe place I longed for with every man I ever knew and never got.  Until Him.  Knowing that, anyone would understand why I am so protective of my relationship with Him.  Why I'm so unwilling to let anyone try to take a part of that from me.  It's mine.  And I don't fucking share.  Does that make me selfish?  Yes.  I'm ok with that.

I'm protective of my relationship with anyone who I truly love.  If I care deeply for someone and something/someone else is threatening that, I fall. the fuck. apart.  When the threat is the insecurity and lack of trust I feel because I'm wounded and vulnerable?  That's even harder to take.  Because then I'm the one who's broken.  I don't like feeling broken.  I don't like knowing that there's something wrong and it's because I can't get over myself and fucking heal already.  I don't like it that all I want is to be ok, and not insecure, and not hurt... and I. Just. Can't.

Trust is very hard to rebuild when it's been betrayed.  My trust has been disrespected too many times over the last couple of years for me or anyone else to expect me to not be completely broken.  I try to keep it together... to maintain myself as "normal" (whatever THAT is) and sometimes, I just can't hold it together anymore.

It's times like these that I need Him the most.  He knows what I need in these times and He gives it to me.  I don't have to ask, I don't have to say anything, I don't WANT to say anything, I feel unable to say anything.  He can get me to talk anyway.  And I always feel better.  Always.

This is one of the reasons I fell in love with Him so easily in the beginning.  One of the reasons that I'm still in love with Him.  He knows what's wrong without asking and still, He can get me to talk when I don't want to because He knows that I need to.  He can get me to laugh when the LAST thing I want to do is smile because He knows that I need to.

This part of us has been missing for over a year.  I've been lost and confused and hopeless and terrified.

It's back.

We're back.