I came over here to the computer because my head is swimming with thoughts. Opened the window to write a new entry and discovered that nobody is following my blog. This makes my insecure brain immediately think, "That must mean nobody cares what I have to say." If that's true, then why am I always going on and on like I have shit figured out? Maybe it's because it sounds all logical in my head. As much as I think I have figured out, I must not be as right as I think... because if I were, my life wouldn't be such a train wreck, would it?
I believe that our life is what we make of it. That doesn't mean I believe that outside factors don't influence what happens around/to us. That means that even though we can't control the actions of others, we can do our best to control the way we respond to these things. Sometimes, that is the hardest thing in the world to do: get control of ourselves.
I often find myself feeling or acting in a way that is completely irrational, illogical, and/or unfair. I have some pretty serious anxiety issues. I try to keep it under control as best I can, but sometimes, I can't stop the feeling of fire rising from my stomach, the shaky hands, the inability to speak, the paranoia of what's going on around me... All set off by something completely stupid, unrelated to anything, innocent. (or is it?)
Something triggers me and I obsess. I can't let it go. It pokes at me and makes my throat tingle. I check out and become oblivious to what's going on around me. That's the only way I can endure it. I withdraw. That's how I cope with it. Funny thing is... I am only able to do that when He is around. If He's not here, my mind won't allow me to disconnect. I don't feel that I'm in a safe environment. He is my safe place. The safe place I always wanted growing up and never had. The safe place I longed for with every man I ever knew and never got. Until Him. Knowing that, anyone would understand why I am so protective of my relationship with Him. Why I'm so unwilling to let anyone try to take a part of that from me. It's mine. And I don't fucking share. Does that make me selfish? Yes. I'm ok with that.
I'm protective of my relationship with anyone who I truly love. If I care deeply for someone and something/someone else is threatening that, I fall. the fuck. apart. When the threat is the insecurity and lack of trust I feel because I'm wounded and vulnerable? That's even harder to take. Because then I'm the one who's broken. I don't like feeling broken. I don't like knowing that there's something wrong and it's because I can't get over myself and fucking heal already. I don't like it that all I want is to be ok, and not insecure, and not hurt... and I. Just. Can't.
Trust is very hard to rebuild when it's been betrayed. My trust has been disrespected too many times over the last couple of years for me or anyone else to expect me to not be completely broken. I try to keep it together... to maintain myself as "normal" (whatever THAT is) and sometimes, I just can't hold it together anymore.
It's times like these that I need Him the most. He knows what I need in these times and He gives it to me. I don't have to ask, I don't have to say anything, I don't WANT to say anything, I feel unable to say anything. He can get me to talk anyway. And I always feel better. Always.
This is one of the reasons I fell in love with Him so easily in the beginning. One of the reasons that I'm still in love with Him. He knows what's wrong without asking and still, He can get me to talk when I don't want to because He knows that I need to. He can get me to laugh when the LAST thing I want to do is smile because He knows that I need to.
This part of us has been missing for over a year. I've been lost and confused and hopeless and terrified.